* And by Circle K, I mean the gym. I know, it’s not super accurate — but I couldn’t resist the temptation to use one of my favorite quotes from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
Anyways, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve seen some really weird stuff in my years of gym-going.
Some of the most bewildering things have happened in the locker room, because this is a place where people feel it’s completely acceptable to parade around butt nekkid in front of strangers. Call me old-fashioned, but this creeps me out.
The worst case of this happened when I was working as a lifeguard during grad school. My usual routine was to hit the gym before my shift and then change into my pool gear in the fitness center locker room, but this became increasingly untenable. Why, you ask? Because and every day, without fail, there was a patron who’d prance around said locker room wearing only a leopard-print thong and clear lucite heels. She’d do her hair and make-up in this get-up, and would strike pouty supermodel poses in the mirror while doing so.
Not only was this bizarre and incredibly awkward, but I also I began to question my own perception of reality. Had I somehow wound up in the back room of a strip club instead of the locker room of the fitness center? Was I losing my mind?
Thankfully, I’ve had a gym in my apartment building for the last 4 years — so I’ve been able to avoid the dreaded locker room weirdness. In recent years, though, I’ve started to realize that apartment gyms have their own weird cast of characters. Behold, the following cases in point:
- The dude who wears street clothes — and not just any street clothes, but jeans and a button down shirt under a sweater — as his workout attire. How is this not incredibly uncomfortable? I mean, I sweat like a wildebeest when I work out in shorts and a t-shirt, so I can’t imagine how he doesn’t feel like he’s suffocating under multiple layers of regular clothes as he huffs and puffs on the treadmill.
- The chick who wears a full face of make-up for her workout. Maybe it’s because I have sensitive, zit-prone skin that practically looks for an excuse to break out, but my only discernible thought when I see women schvitzing through their copious foundation is HOLY ZIT INCUBATION, BATMAN. Bacteria! Sweat! Clogged pores! Complexion devastation! Whhhhyyyyyyy?
- The dude who gets on the bike and pedals blissfully while drinking three — count ’em, three — big cups of jet-fuel strength black coffee. Now, I love coffee. (Y’know, hence the name of this blog.) But when I can smell someone’s high-octane java from 20 feet away, it’s kind of absurd. I also question the wisdom of drinking coffee while working out: I mean, it’s a diuretic. It dehydrates you like a mofo. I get thirsty — insanely, deliriously thirsty — when I’m at the gym, and the idea of quenching that thirst with a cuppa joe, especially one so strong it could double as propulsion fuel for a rocket, makes my kidneys want to jump out of my body while waving little white flags of surrender.
- The dude who gets on the elliptical and goes into what can only be described as uber-rabid-beast mode. Simply being in beast mode isn’t enough for him — no, he’s pedaling so fast and hard that the machine is swaying and making horrible noises reminiscent the scene from Titanic when the boat is sinking and breaking in half. Homeslice, I get it: you’re more hardcore than all of Seal Team Six combined. But the machine is showing signs of metal fatigue, and you don’t want to meet your demise at the hands of an elliptical that can’t handle the brute force of your very existence.
I can’t be the only one who sees weird people doing weird things at the gym, right?
It’s storytime, folks: have you ever seen things that made you pull a Scooby-esque “BWWWEH?!” while working out?